Background Music
by Zoser
Summary: The music playing in the background of our lives reflect or influence our perceptions. Sam and Jack. Season 8 to future. Some vulgar language. Complete
1. Mad World

**Mad World**

Cassie was sitting in her dorm room waiting to be picked up by Samantha Carter, who, of course, was late. She knew it wasn't Sam's fault but the high pressure, highly classified job she held. Cassie was, at least, not afraid something had happened. She had gotten an e-mail from Sam saying that she was running late. Cassie was a bit jittery these days and it was due to the tragic death of her mom, her foster mom really, Janet Frasier, gone just a year now. Cassie's life was a mess, two moms down, hell, the whole population of her planet dead, every last soul. And who else's life would she bring tragedy to. She had been watching a DVD of 'Donnie Darko' to pass the time and couldn't get 'Mad World' out of her head. The song was hypnotic. Cassie felt as though the song was the story of her life. Sometimes her dreams and even waking moments were filled with thoughts of death and dying. Should she have died instead of her mom? Would anyone really miss her if she had died on Hanka at the hand of Nirrti? Wouldn't it have been easier, so much less painful?

Was everyone waiting for the day they would feel good? She sure as hell was but didn't think she had a chance. And as for others, just take Jack and Sam, two really bright people but what idiots. They could have everything but denied reality. It just about bit them in the ass and they still didn't see it or just couldn't admit it. "Run in circles" – that's what they did, couldn't they see it? She just didn't get it; maybe she could arrange a little push to give them day when they could "feel good". It might take a gigantic shove but she had to make it seem like it was their idea. She never met two more pig headed people. One thing she knew for sure, one sighting of that looser Shanahan and she was out of there. No staying at Sam's for the weekend if she had to stomach the creep and his slimy smile. Maybe he wasn't that bad but it just frosted her shorts to see Sam with him. She'd bail to Jack's and work on him.

Bored to death of sitting in her room Cassie popped on her iPod while waiting outside the dorm for signs of the silver Volvo. One of her friends had snuck a hymn on Cassie's play list and listening to it, it occured to her maybe Jack loved them but could accept the thought that they truly loved him in return, that they loved him just for himself. Didn't he think he was worthy of their affection? Was it that he had no faith in them or could it be insecurity? Or had the years so beaten him down plus Sam's defection to Shanahan that he had lost hope of having love in his life? She had her work cut out for her. If these two couldn't make a go of life, what hope was there for her? She was going to do this not just for them but for herself. If there was a "Great I Am" she hoped that He loved these mere mortals as much as she did – they were just about all she had left.

Gary Jules – "Mad World"

Alexander Means and William Walker – "What Wondrous Love Is This"


	2. Clueless

**Clueless**

Sam finally arrived, Cassie jumped in and they were off for the weekend. Neither of them seemed at ease. Sam was not looking forward to a weekend of questions posed by Pete about minister versus justice of the peace, traditional dress versus informal wear in a bucolic setting, all the family versus a few close friends, blah, blah, blah, blah. Why couldn't he just give it a rest? She had so much on her mind that this seemed trivial in comparison, as well as premature or perhaps totally unnecessary. She though that Cassie's presence would defer the endless questions and put off the decisions she had no desire to make.

Cassie had other ideas. Pete just creeped her out. If she had to look at the slobbering smile begging for acceptance she would just hurl. That look was much better placed on a dog and even they usually had more self confidence.

Cassie turned up the volume of the CD player in the car.

"You like Tom Petty?"

Sam nodded and let the music wash over them.

"Into the great wide open

Under a sky of blue

Into the great wide

A rebel without a clue."

She turned to Sam and asked "Are all guys like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know, they all like to think they are 'rebels' but usually they're totally clueless."

Sam laughed but unfortunately saw the truth in it. But she thought it might describe her too. When it came to relationships and making them work, was she without a clue or too afraid to take that step without a net?

No sooner than they arrived at Sam's house than Pete pulled up. Pete had a proverbial shit eating grin on his face "Tell Me Something Good" echoing in his ears and the expectation of a great weekend before him.

Before getting out of the Volvo Cassie asked to borrow it.

When Cassie heard the music blasting from his car all she could thing was 'if he had really listened to the words, without the overblown take of his sexual prowess, he might have had a more accurate view of reality, poor sap. Yeah Sam hasn't been loved like she should but you buddy are not the one. And yeah she has no time and lots of pride but that's her commitment to her job.' Cassie grumbled all the way to Jack's.

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Tom Petty – "Into the Great Wide Open"

Rufus and Chaka Khan – "Tell Me Something Good"


	3. Frustrated

**Frustrated**

Driving away from Jack's house, Cassie popped in a The Pretty Things CD. He had needed to get to the base for a few hours and run the odd errand and she had managed to trade vehicles with him – quite a coup. The fourth time "Loneliest Person" repeated tears came. She couldn't help but think of Jack. She really loved that man. She could still see him carrying Bugsy to her in the park, his shirt covered with dog hair and Janet grousing "What was that man thinking!" and everyone else laughing, especially Sam. She remembered too when she was little, not a few months after coming to live with Janet, and still getting used to her move from 'Toronto'. After spending time with friends from school in their homes and with their families, Cassie had asked Jack if he could be her daddy. She couldn't remember the exact words he used but it was something to the effect that it was an honor that he didn't deserve. She didn't get the implications for many years after that.

Why couldn't someone love him the way he needed? He should have someone in his life and she knew who that someone was. Those two were the smartest, greatest people she knew and the most screwed up. She wished they could get stranded on a paradise planet and not get rescued till they had screwed each other senseless.

Every guy who showed Cassie any interest was a callow, immature idiot and Sam, with the opportunity of a lifetime, passes up Jack O'Neill for that lump. She could just scream at the insanity of it. If Cassie could find a guy that could measure up to the likes of Jack O'Neill she would tackle him. The song on the next CD was Misery and finally Cassie just laughed with salty tears drying on her cheeks. She could see the sign now - "Carter and O'Neill, Frustrated Incorporated". She wasn't totally sure about Sam but the poor man must be frustrated.

He wasn't a total recluse. Sure he had SG – 1, but that was sort of past tense these days, and he had his drinking and poker buddies but when they went home he was alone. At least she never saw any trace of women there; oh yes "frustrated incorporated". Maybe there were things she didn't know.

As well as he tried to hide it, a spark left his eye since Sam took up with that clown. He claimed it was all the responsibility and stinking paperwork. She could see through the excuses and maybe, just maybe she could do something about it. Maybe Jack should date some hottie and rub it in Sam's nose. No, that just wouldn't be right but what if she does get married, what then? Never gonna happen!

It was about time, in fact way over due, to get things rolling. When he got back she would spend some time with her Uncle Jack and let him know how important he was to her. It wasn't what he needed but sometime you just need to know you are important to someone; that someone, anyone, loves you.

At this point she pulled up to Sam's house with Jack's truck. She wasn't exactly sure what she was going to do this weekend but Pete was not getting any alone time with Sam if she could help it, even if it made Cassie gag. And Jack's truck sat in front of the house as a constant reminder – bigger, stronger and vastly superior in every way.

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The Pretty Things – "Loneliest Person"

Soul Asylum – "Misery"


	4. No Sugar Tonight

**No Sugar Tonight**

Of all the times to get called back to work, not that it hadn't happened to Sam a million times, but they finally had gotten a weekend to themselves. Even Cassie, a guest he wasn't expecting, had taken a hike. He was looking forward to a wonderful, relaxing and oh so private weekend with the woman he loved. But all he got was a few foul glares from Cassie, a peck on the cheek from Sam, half a sandwich, the other half of which was in his hand, and a phone call ordering him back to Denver. He flicked on the radio in his car and nearly choked on the roast beef in his mouth. "No Sugar Tonight" - that said it all. But no, there was another line, amongst the hippie, Mother Nature, mumbo jumbo, that hurt.

"Now I'm falling from her skies"

He was afraid it might be true. Everything about this relationship with Sam had been all consuming…in the beginning. It moved fast and burned hot. But there was always a part of her and of her life that she held back. Now Sam was evading the discussion of their future, side stepping talks about their wedding plans. She was incredibly busy but shouldn't she take some interest? Maybe he just wasn't getting the message. Or maybe he just needed to try harder. They needed more time alone and a place all their own to start their lives together. He'd see about that transfer to Colorado Springs and call a real estate agent. It seemed it was up to him to make this work and he was willing to do 90 percent if only things would work out between them.

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The Guess Who – "No Sugar Tonight"


	5. Don't Know Why

**Don't Know Why**

Early Monday morning Samantha Carter turned the key in the ignition of her car and found her self totally amazed at two things: there was gas in the tank and the volume of the CD player. Cassie had borrowed her car over the weekend and had come back with Jack's truck. Sam would have asked about the car switch but when Cassie looked at Pete as though he were something that needed to be scraped off the bottom of her shoe, Sam opted out. She just didn't need an argument.

Cassie took off again when Pete was unexpectedly called back to work, returning with the Volvo on Sunday evening, to be picked up by her roommate for the trek back to college. And somehow she managed not to drain the Volvo's gas tank. She was turning into a thoughtful young woman. However, the ear splitting volume of the CD player betrayed her youth. Cassie had left an eclectic mix of love songs or were they songs of heartbreak. This was just what she needed – there wasn't enough tumult in her life. Sam popped out the CD and inserted another one in its place, Nora Jones. 'Oh shit' she thought 'it had to be that song' "Don't Know Why I Didn't Come" – she wasn't sure exactly what was meant by the song but it seemed to be the story of this weekend. This was probably even worse; it fit her mood, an aching emptiness, more than Cassie's tunes. Pete kept pushing about the damned wedding and second thoughts nagged her waking hours and punished her with restless, sleepless nights. She promised herself that she would summon up the courage to talk to him, the General, to tell him how she felt, to see if there was anything left, any spark they could rekindle or had her clumsy attempt at getting a life destroyed their unspoken feelings. Christ, she was so stupid. It wasn't the General she needed to speak to, it was Jack. And there on the passenger's seat was a receipt from the dry cleaners for a J. O'Neill.

Sam drove to the base with the music filling her ears and the thoughts of approaching the formidable general pounding in her brain. When she got out of her car there he was, getting out of his truck, decked out in his dress blues. The sunlight caught on all the highly polished brass on his uniform and she smiled at him. She knew he understood the powerful image he projected but Sam wondered if he had any idea of how very handsome he looked. She raised her hand to wave at him from across the parking lot when the bright morning sunlight also caught the diamond on her hand causing it to sparkle. She felt the engagement ring burn the flesh of her ring finger. How could she have betrayed him with another man, another man who could never measure up to Jack O'Neill?

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Jess Harris – "Don't Know Why"


	6. Heart Cooks Brain

**Heart Cooks Brain**

Jack was running late for a meeting with a mixed bag of politicians, military and spooks. He needed to create an air of authority to take control of the group and decided to arrive in his class A's with as much spit and polish as his haphazard life style would allow. Cassie had been over on the weekend and asked to borrow his truck to help a friend move. He wasn't quite sure she could see over the steering wheel. The fact that she arrived in Sam Carter's car confused him a tad, but he could refuse Cassie nothing. She tossed him Sam's keys, took his and left for most of the weekend. To repay him for the use of his vehicle and to spend some time with him, she returned before noon on Sunday. They ate lunch together, salad and something Jack cremated on the grill. She helped him by polishing buttons, stars and wings and things. He did the shoes. After scrubbing the Brasso out from under her finger nails, they shared a light supper before she made her way back for the night. She gave him a hug and a kiss and called him Uncle Jack. It left him feeling lonely, bereft of family and yearning to have the normal comforts of life. Tomorrow he would turn over a new leaf, tomorrow no more pining for what never was, tomorrow a new beginning. Who was he kidding, he was a washed up old man with a good pension but a shit load of baggage. He remembered an old aunt saying 'for every old sock there was an old shoe', maybe there was hope for him yet.

In the morning looking spiffy in his dress blues he turned the key in the ignition and nearly dove out thinking only a Goa'uld grenade could make a sound so piercing. Nope, it was only a CD Cassie had left. Just what he needed, people wailing and moaning about lost loves. When he turned down the volume he heard the words "My heart's a bitter buffalo"; he didn't know what the hell that meant but on a gut level he understood perfectly. He was tired of the pain, tired of seeing it everyday gleaming on her ring finger. Today he needed to put it behind him, for his sanity's sake he needed to move on. When he got out of his truck at the base, there was Sam Carter with the sun gleaming in her blond hair with a radiant smile. But the sun also caught the diamond on her finger, and it was this pledge to another man that caused O'Neill to straighten his spine and renew his thoughts about moving on.

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Modest Mouse - "Heart Cooks Brain"


	7. The Wrong Face

**The Wrong Face**

The new CIA liaison, a curvaceous Kerry Johnson, lingered after the meeting, the interminable meeting, to introduce herself to General O'Neill.

"I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to introduce myself before now, General." She said while offering him her hand.  
"I hope our association will be straight forward on both parts for the good of our country. I also hope the meeting will never be as long or long winded."

O'Neill had to laugh. She obviously picked up on his impatience with the endless blather and his attempts to keep the meeting on point and unnecessary speechifying to a minimum.

"I have one favor to ask. This morning I took a taxi in straight from the airport – running late as usual. I have a reservation at a hotel in the Springs and will be here for more meeting for the rest of the week, I probably should have rented a car but… well… no time."

"I could have a SF drive you or better yet if you can wait a half hour, Ms Johnson…"

"Kerry, please"

"I'll be glad to give you a lift. It's on my way." He added to forestall any objections.

And so a simple lift to a hotel became a cozy dinner at a local restaurant. When Jack drove away from the hotel after begging off after dinner drinks he turned on his radio. Tony Bennett's voice softly told Jack

"It's the wrong face… but such a charming face  
That it's alright with me."

**A week later**

The week had been a blur of meetings, piles of boring paperwork, team missions along with the requisite briefings and debriefings and a few dinner dates with a lovely CIA agent. He felt relaxed in her presence. Kerry knew what Jack did for a living, saw first hand and wasn't fazed in the least. She, too, seemed to thrive on it. Maybe they could be a good fit, and, amazingly enough, she was flirting with him. He hoped he wasn't being just an old fool. She had invited him up to her room twice 'for a drink' and he had demurred, tonight he thought if he were so lucky to be invited again he might just go.

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Cole Porter – "It's All Right with Me"


	8. Too Sexy

**Too Sexy**

Sam was strolling down the hall to drop off a report, actually a scientific treatise, which was sure to glaze the eye of the general. Knocking on the open door of his office she was very aware that he barely glanced at her.

"Just leave it with Walter" he said.

They used to visit, chat, flirt if you will. Admittedly things had been just frigging nuts this past year but he seemed so cold and withdrawn. He was the general of the whole base, he was 'the man' and being 'the man' had its price. A price his friends paid as well as he.

Unfortunately the last song she heard on the radio kept replaying in her head. It was unfortunate because 'I'm Too Sexy" was the exact opposite of how she felt. The BDU's she put on today were new. They were stiff and starchy and damned itchy, and, of course, so very stylish. She smiled to herself as the ridiculous song pounded in her head, tapping on the file folder and nearly ran head on into…what was her name…Agent Johnson.

'There aught to be a law, she gets to dress like that and I'm in combat boots. A professional does not wear skin tight clothes or have her cleavage on display. And that smile, it looks like she just set a hook in the mouth of some poor fish and was all set to reel the poor bastard in. He won't know what hit him and the fool will only think of how lucky he is.' Sam wondered who the CIA operative could have set her sights on. Every man she past had the same glazed look and stupid smile on their face, even Walter.

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Right Said Fred – "I'm Too Sexy"


	9. Two out of Three

**Two out of Three**

As he jumped into truck to go home in the early hours just before dawn Jack barely noticed the radio tuned to the 'moldy oldies' station. It had been a wonderful night - good dinner, good conversation, and, oh yes, good sex. Before things had gotten too far he told her outright that the job was too important, it had to come first, it always had. Hadn't he lived that way for years now, hell most of his adult life? Is that why he was bedding a woman he met only a week ago instead of going home to a wife and family? He pushed these thought out of his mind to focus back on the evening. She was intelligent and beautiful and just what he needed. Crap, he was channeling the damned radio – "Just what I needed". He wondered if it would develop into more, or even if he wanted it to.

He was driving on autopilot so when he arrived home he barely remembered the journey. It wasn't safe to be too wrapped up in your thoughts that you failed to notice the world around you. That's when he heard the radio again and it was Meatloaf

"I want you, I need you  
but there ain't no way  
I'm ever gonna to love you...  
two out of three ain't bad."

O'Neill cursed. Yeah life is tough and sometimes two out of three was as good as it gets. He cursed again as he walked into the cold, dark, empty house.

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Cars – "Just What I Needed"

Meatloaf – "Two out of Three Ain't Bad"


	10. Focus on the Pain

**Focus on the pain**

Cassie had been looking for a present for Jack and a friend had suggested a recent Johnny Cash album.

"You sure this isn't going to be too twangy, you know all railroads and prisons, or too depressing."

"Watch those stereotypes! Really, I don't know if your friend will like it. But what I do know is, it's an old guy singing with a scratchy voice, but, you know, you can feel it. I don't know just how to explain it. His wife was real sick and he was real sick and all of that just pours out. It almost hurts to listen to it."

"Hey, that sounds great, geeze."

Still wondering if yet another Simpson DVD might make a better gift, Cassie took her friends advice and bought the album. She thought she would give it a listen before giving it to Jack. A Nine Inch Nails song sung by this 'old man' blew her away. Matter of fact, it made her cry, no, not for Jack but for herself. Sam was getting married and there would, in Cassie's opinion, be no place in her in Sam's life. Sam barely had room for Pete.

'_You are someone else  
I am still right here_'

And Jack, who would have thought, he was carrying on with some willowy CIA agent.

'_I will let you down  
I will make you hurt'_

Cassie was on the verge of adulthood but she had no family to rely on. She so stupidly thought she could paste together the parents of her choice and form an instant family, a family to celebrate holidays with, to share joys and grief, a family to provide that confidence that you are loved and can accomplish almost any thing. Instead she heard:

'_Everyone I know  
Goes away  
In the end'_

She had never felt so alone and so numb, wondering if physical pain would at least make her feel something else and would distract her from the pain in her soul.

_'I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real'_

_'Full of broken thoughts'_ the pain welling up from deep inside the girl overwhelmed her and she cried.

She cried for the need to belong.

She cried for the family she wanted but couldn't have.

She cried for her foster mother Janet Frasier whose loving arms and gentle heart she missed so.

And she cried for her birth mother whose face was fading from her memory.

_'Everyone I know  
Goes away  
In the end'_

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American IV: The Man Comes Around  
Johnny Cash's version of Trent Reznor - "Hurt"


	11. Strong Enough

**Strong Enough?**

'How much worse could it have gone?' Sam thought as she walked Pete to the surface after the disastrous visit with her father. Sure they were both nervous but she was embarrassed by how he played the fool. And what was with dad; he seemed so stiff, so unapproachable?

After walking Pete to his car, Sam returned and signed herself back onto the base. The SF's radio on the sign in desk was playing 'Are you strong enough to be my man?' Could Pete ever understand? Could he accept her for who she was, she did have this face, this warrior, scientist side she could not show? Or was it that this was a side she wanted to hide from him – the less he knew, the less he could reject.

Even when she got back to her lab Sheryl Crowe's voice echoed in her mind -'Strong Enough'. When she thought of strength it was Jack who came to mind. Sure she had seen him whine in the infirmary but it was never about something major. Hell she had seen him pinned to the wall with burning hot, infected rod through his shoulder. On missions she had seen him draw attention to himself, knowing he would be targeted for brutality just to protect his team. But was this fair? Pete had never been in these circumstances, she didn't know if his reactions would not have been as valiant.

Yeah she felt like hell and she hoped she'd be alone tonight because when she thought of a man 'strong enough' it was always O'Neill, always him. She didn't have to lie to him nor he to her, except for one thing – how they felt about one another.

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Sheryl Crowe – "Strong Enough"


	12. Don’t let it bring you down

**Don't Let It Bring You Down**

Jack got into Dixon's car trying not to get covered by the dog hair, stray bits of food and other nondescript items of debris that littered the inside. They had just left his truck at the shop for new shocks and breaks and Dixon was giving O'Neill a lift to the base.

"I didn't think of you as the minivan kind of guy, Dave."

"Sorry about the mess" Dixon said, well aware the open windows were keeping at bay the stench of wet dog, curdled milk and some other ill-defined aromas left by his marauding brood of children and hoping it wasn't a wad of bubble gum Jack sat in.

The CD player was playing erratically and Dave gave it a good thump. Neil Young sang out:

'_All alone the captain stands'_

"So Jack…ah…General, sir, how you doing?"

"Dave, for the love of Christ, I get enough of that on the base."

"I suppose you got a load of the new CIA agent. Half the guys are drooling and the other half are still freaked out by redheads since Hathor graced our base."

'_I am lonely  
but you can free me  
all in the way that you smile'_

Jack compared the two in his mind. Kerry won hands down. Thoughts of Hathor always brought one of his hands to his gut or to the back of his neck and, too, the feel of Carter warming him up.

Plaintively in the background he heard

'_There will be another one  
Who'll hover over you  
Beneath the sun  
Tomorrow see the things  
That never come today.'_

Dave nattered on as Jack's mind wondered.

"…ran into Colonel Carter in the supermarket. She said she had an engagement ring – so I guess…"

'_Old man lying by the side of the road…  
Dead man lying by the side of the road_…'

"…I guess you knew."

'_with the daylight in his eyes'_

"You must have seen the ring."

'_Don't let it bring you down  
It's only castles burning.'_

"…do you when the wedding is, cause my wife wanted to get them a little something…"

The car hit a pot hole and the CD jumped tracks.

'_Only love can break your heart.  
Try to be sure right from the start.  
Yes, only love can break your heart.  
What if your world should fall apart.'_

O'Neill tried to fast forward the disc but it began skipping

"_Break your heart…  
Break your heart…  
Break your heart" _

Jack switched to the radio. Only static poured out of the speakers.

"I think one of the little buggers broke the aerial." And Dave turned it back to the CD and thumped it a few times for got measure.

'…_the space ships flying in the yellow haze of the sun'_

"You know that's one of my wife's favorite songs, God knows why, and I can't tell her anything. She does give me that old fishy eyeball when I come home injured. She's no dope. Sometimes I wish I could tell her and other times I glad I get to shield them all.  
By the way, is it true Carter's squeeze got briefed. That's the word but, you know Jack, it doesn't sit right with the men."

O'Neill was trying to tune out all ambient noise but caught the mention of Carter's name again.

"Special case Dave, he walked into Osiris in all his glory, even wound up in the infirmary."

'_Lover there will be another one'_

"Still I don't think special treatment is good for moral, everyone is aware." Dave continued.

'Aware of exactly what?' Jack wondered.

'_another one  
another one  
another one'_

O'Neill smacked the dashboard so hard the glove box popped open, cracked him on the knee and spewed papers and sunglasses into his lap.

'_without you  
without you'_

O'Neill repeatedly pressed the eject button just causing the repeated skipping to continue.

"Don't you have any other CDs"

"Yeah but that one is stuck, I don't know gum or something one of the kids crammed in there. You should be glad it isn't Barney or Yanni."

As a last resort Jack grasped the knob to lower the volume. It fell off in his hand, roll into the debris pile on the floor as if down a black hole.

"Hey, Jack, do you need a ride back to the shop tonight?"

"No! No thanks Dave but no, Daniel is going to give me a lift."

"I thought you said he drove like an old lady. Maybe Carter can give you a ride on the back of her Indian."

"Funny, Dave."

Col. Dixon did not realize it but his simple act of kindness, giving Jack O'Neill a ride to the base, made Walter Harriman's life a living hell that day.

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All on the 'After the Gold Rush' CD

Neil Young – Cripple Creek Ferry

Neil Young - Tell Me Why

Neil Young - Birds

Neil Young - Don't Let It Bring You Down

Neil Young - Only Love Can Break Your Heart

Neil Young - After the Gold Rush

Neil Young - Birds


	13. Kryptonite

**Kryptonite**

It was the middle of the night. Cassie was listening to some music to ease the boredom of cramming for exams and a memory, such a strong clear memory, flashed through her mind. It was a night at her mom's house, her home with Janet, when the gang was together and for some reason they were razzing Jack. Daniel told an absolutely hysterical and greatly embellished story that had them laughing till tears ran down their faces. It seems Jack got sick on some nameless planet and barfed all over Sam's boots. They had noticed that he was turning green but he did his usual "I'm fine" routine. When he finally admitted that he didn't feel good it was with a very graphic display, and then barely made it into the bushes to drop his drawers.

Later that night Cassie heard Janet and Sam talking in the kitchen. Sam seemed upset, telling Janet how scared she had been. It was the first time she had seen the 'invincible' O'Neill get so sick. Before they could get him to the gate his cold sweaty skin was ashen, his vomit was streaked with blood and finally he passed out trying to keep on his feet. She wished her memories were as funny as Daniel's. They agreed that laughter kept the terror and pain at bay, lest it overwhelm them all.

Jack O'Neill was, in Cassie's opinion, as about 'superhero' as they came. The man was strong, not just physically but in character as well. And so was Sam. Was this avoidance of personal issues between them a strength or a weakness? Was it protection from possible rejection? Why did they keep this 'thing' between them at arms length; was it protection from pain or ignition? Would they, could they be friends in the end? Maybe they really were each others Kryptonite. Maybe it they got together the universe would break down into chaos. Like that could happen!

It occurred to Cassie, too, that Sam no longer had someone like Janet in her life to confide in. Maybe more than anything Sam needed a friend. Cassie thought that Sam would view her as too young and inexperienced. Daniel was just a guy – very sweet but just a guy. Teal'c - too alien? And Jack, the one Sam should talk to, was probably the last person on earth she would open up to.

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Three Doors Down – "Kryptonite"


	14. Right now, everything's wrong

**So what if, right now, everything's wrong?**

Sam left the briefing room totally embarrassed and more than a little steamed at everyone: Pete for calling her at work, her dad for the oh so subtle reminder, everyone at the damned table for just witnessing her humiliation and O'Neill, damn him, for the light and airy 'do what ya gotta do, it's alright with me, I really don't give a shit' attitude. She got in her car slamming the door so hard the whole car rocked.

O'Neill finished up the meeting, cleaned up his desk and headed home for the afternoon. The acid from the lie he had told still burning his tongue. Jacob had asked him if he was alright with this, meaning the wedding. And Jack said of course, in fact, he was happy that she was so happy. Any fool could see right through him.

Sam, on her way to the florist, and Jack, on his way home, put on the radio in their respective vehicles. As the Fates would have it, they were tuned to the same station.

"_If it makes you happy  
It can't be that bad.  
If it makes you happy  
Then why the hell are you so sad"_

Sam changed the station, wiped away the errant tear, slapped a smile on her face and drove off to meet Pete at the florist.

Jack used that old tried and true method - denial and drove off to his date with Kerry. The commercial blared from the radio "and accept no substitutes". He nearly put his fist through the dashboard. He slapped on his game face and got on with his life.

A quick peck on the lips became a smoldering sensuous kiss that ended abruptly. Kerry opened her eyes to see the look of confusion and despair masked immediately by a gentle smile. Kerry thought she might try to kiss away whatever was on his mind. No soon than she started to bring her lips up to his, she felt his arms release their hold around her. He was off; he said he needed to start the barbeque. 'What the hell was that about' she wondered?

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Sheryl Crow - If It Makes You Happy


	15. Heart Like a Wheel

**Heart Like a Wheel**

Sam sat in her car trying to gather the nerve to talk to Jack. She drove over on sheer adrenaline after the fiasco of looking at that house and now she was shaking. It was now or never. What was the worst that could happen? Well for starters she could be totally humiliated but Jack wouldn't do that to her. Even if there was nothing but the ashes of their lost love left, lord knows she could see the smoke, he still would be kind to her. If nothing else she felt she could always depend on him. And as she reached to turn the ignition off she heard a familiar tune whose words stung.

"_Some say the heart is just like a wheel  
When you bend it you can't mend it  
But my love for you is like a sinking ship  
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean."_

Sam stepped out of the car, following the wisps of smoke, feeling as though she were stepping into the deep.

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Kate and Anna McGarrigle – "Heart Like a Wheel"


	16. Sei Tu

**Tosca sei tu**

Sitting down to lunch after Sam Carter sped off to the SGC, Jack pushed his food around while Kerry chatted cheerfully. This was the second red flag of the day, normally that boy could eat. The first to slide up the flag pole was that whole awkward meeting and conversation with Col. Carter; there was definitely some history there; in fact, he had seemed off kilter all afternoon. The third flapped in her face as he distractedly walked into the house to make a phone call, all in the middle of a sentence of hers he obviously did not hear.

Jack came back, truck keys in hand, and told her he had to go back to the base. He dropped her at her hotel on his way in and drove off without a second glance. He dug around in his collection of CD's looking for something soothing. Well it is Mozart's birthday, how about 'Cosi fan tutte'. Right an opera about switching partners, with his luck Kerry would wind up with Carter and he'd get Pete. Maybe 'Tristan and Isolde' by Wagner – no, no more ill fated lovers. Finally he grabbed some CD and jammed it in the slot, pressing shuffle. The beautiful aria 'Recondita Armonia' filled the cab of the truck and Jack let himself relax and mouthing the familiar words, he found himself saying "il mio sol pensiero, Carter, sei tu!" (my only thought, Carter, is of you). 'Sorry Tosca but I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.' There were two women he was going to have to speak with and he'd rather chew off his own foot.

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Giacomo Puccini – Tosca – "Recondita Armonia"


	17. Love Hurts

**Love Hurts**

Kerry knew this affair was in trouble. Lunch this afternoon was the ultimate disaster. Jack was wonderful, well, as much as she got from him. She had thought it was the distractions of such an important high tension job. She knew he kept a lot of himself reserved in their relationship, but now, now she saw it clearly. He loved someone else and she, Kerry, was to help heal a hurting heart. Kerry didn't quite understand, if she saw something she wanted, she went after it and got it. This is one of the things that made her so successful in her job. Kerry did not see herself as the replacement in the star crossed lovers' drama. She didn't need the angst. She'd get out while the getting was good and maybe steer the general in the right direction. That's of course if she had gotten all the silent messages right. She was pretty sure she had.

As Kerry turned to leave O'Neill's office she had another thought and turned back. He was still standing there still staring at the door and slightly raised his eyebrows at her return.

"Oh and one more thing, you ought to get straight in your mind what you really do want or maybe that's who. If you do get together with Colonel Carter she's not going to want to hear you mutter someone else's name in your sleep."

With that his eyebrows went up another inch.

"Terry or Thera? Just a thought."

And with a bright smile she was gone again.

This time O'Neill sat down and smiled. But the thoughts of Jacob Carter's severe illness sobered him and he called the infirmary.

* * *

After her little heart to heart with the General, Kerry Johnson exited the Cheyenne Mountain Complex, jumped in her rental and put on the radio. She thought to herself 'I don't know what I expected but that wasn't it. He didn't deny it; he didn't even make an effort to stay together, he just kind of stood there. Guess I was right on target.' She listened to the radio for a minute, heard 

"_Some fools fool themselves_"

'Not if I can help it' she thought 'I don't enjoy being a fool'.

"_Love is just a lie,  
Made to make you blue  
Love hurts"_

She muttered 'Fuck that' and scanned for a better station. Kerry cranked up the volume and sang along as she sped down the road. 'Oh yeah' she thought as she sang along with Pat Benatar

"_I need a lover who won't drive me crazy"._

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Felice and Boudleaux Bryant – "Love Hurts"

John Mellencamp – "I Need a Lover"


	18. Miserere Nobis

**Miserere Nobis**

It was late when all the preparations for Jacob's funeral had been made. Jack took it upon himself with Sam's permission to arrange the service at the base and for the participation of the Tok'ra. Sam called her brother and arranged for a quiet service and burial in the family plot, although there would, in fact, be nothing to bury. This sham burial could have been held in Arlington with full military honors befitting a General but she needed peace in her family. The vortex of the Stargate would swallow up all the earthly remaining of her father and of Selmak in the ancient rites of the Tok'ra. The stone, a cenotaph, at the family plot would be the only tribute to Jacob Carter and the design Sam picked of entwined vines would be a reminder to all who knew him, truly knew him in his final years, of his blending with Selmak.

And so a little after eight the two officers made their way out of the mountain complex to their respective cars. The Volvo refused to cooperate in this damp night and reduced its owner to tears of frustration. She had remained rather stoic during the calls and arrangement regarding her father's death but this engine that refused to turn over was the proverbial straw. Headlights lit up the interior of her car as the big pick up swung around. O'Neill got out and opened her door.

"Come on, I'll give you a lift home and we'll worry about this tomorrow."

And silently she got in his truck gave him a tight sad smile and off they went. Softly playing in the background was the unearthly magnificent chant, endlessly begging God's mercy. O'Neill reached over to turn it off but she stilled his hand and let the voices express her sorrow. As it flowed through her, into the music, the pain of her father's passing flowed out into the universe.

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Kyrie, Sanctus, Agnus Dei – Chant, Mode V


	19. Silently Waiting

**Silently waiting**

Sam said she would be alright alone and Jack left. She wished he had stayed but she didn't want him to feel obligated and anyway she wasn't in the mood to entertain anyone. But he wasn't like that and he wasn't acting awkward like he sometimes did. Almost all the arrangements for her father's funeral had been made thanks to the general. Funny, she still thought of him as her colonel; the stars on his collar always seemed out of place. They distanced him from her, from all of them, as once the stars of the heavens had brought them together.

So here she sat, alone, thinking that it would be nice to gather together some photos of her dad to trace his life: the boy of so much promise, the confident young man, the loving husband, the doting father, the Air Force officer, the general, and in his last years as the Tok'ra - host of Selmak. She wanted others to see the man she knew and loved and admired.

As she got up to collect the family photo albums, Sam turned on the radio to dispel the loneliness she felt. It was still tuned to one of Cassie's stations and mid song she caught a few of the words before she turned it off. It made her think of her current situation.

"_Won't hurt anymore_" - well that was going to take time, right now the pain of her father's death was down right physical. The emotional turmoil of her disaster of a love life was waiting in the wings to bring her more grief.

"_Silently waiting  
For a moment with you…  
I can't live with or without you_"

And that was how she felt about Jack O'Neill. Here, mourning her father and preparing for his funeral, she was thinking of Jack O'Neill. It seemed totally crass. Yet it was her father, who in his final days, wanted her to think hard on just what she wanted out of life and to go and get it, to overcome the obstacles that she took as insurmountable. But what she wanted… was it just a desire for the forbidden, just simple lust or hero worship? Did she know this man well enough to throw everything away just to find out they were incompatible?

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Endo – Simple Lie


	20. Before It's Too Late

**Before It's Too Late**

She said she would be alright and he left. Where was that asshole Shanahan when she needed him? Could she possibly have told him to stay away? He certainly couldn't be that cold hearted or maybe he didn't know. Jack knew they were engaged but this seemed whacked. Maybe he should call him. Christ, that seemed like such a bad idea but what was best for Carter? Maybe what he should do is ask her – should of done that before he left – maybe he should have stayed.

Ejecting the disc in the CD player, O'Neill flicked on the radio attempting to distract himself from his thoughts. The DJ was playing a block set of the Eagles. Nice background music for driving but the lyrics torment him. Yes, there he was, 'all alone at the end of the evening' and the light was fading – did she ever love him or was it all flirting and foolishness? If everything fell apart would she want to be with him? He tried to shake these melancholic thoughts away and listened again to the radio. He wondered how many songs he missed and how many miles slipped by. Now they were telling him to let somebody love him before it was too late. But who damn it, who? One woman walked out on him this past week and rightfully so and another, he just left at her door step. And, for the love of God, did he deserve either one or anyone for that matter? He knew that he could never give of himself completely to Kerry; he held his job more important than this thing between them. And this old beat up heart, as much as he tried not to, he loved Samantha Carter.

If he allowed himself to think about it, he knew what he wanted although this might not be the time to pursue it. Maybe there would never be the right time. But maybe, just maybe this was the time to extent a little of the love and care he kept so carefully hidden. He turned around the truck and drove back to Carter's.

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Eagles - Take It to the Limit

Eagles – Desperado


	21. Knockin'

**Knockin'**

The lights were still on in her house. If they had been off he would have just turned around and gone home but the house was well lit. Crap, maybe she was waiting for Shanahan to arrive. Screw it, if so he'd just wait with her. And so Jack turned off the engine, the last bits of a song echoing in his mind.

'_That long black cloud is comin' down  
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door'_

A bit overdramatic perhaps but he was feeling a tad apprehensive. The sight that greeted him at the door was Samantha Carter in a robe with eyes redden from tears. But he was greeted with a smile and then a look of concern when she saw his rather grim face.

"Is there something wrong at the base?"

"No, no I… I'm sorry… am I…you okay? I shouldn't have left you here all alone."

"I'm okay…really, come on in."

The living room table was littered with family albums.

"Maybe you can help me. I'm trying to get together some pictures of Dad. I think I would be nice for people who only knew a small part of his life to see the whole person."

"Sounds like a great idea."

And so began a night of reminiscing about Jacob Carter - the father, the military man, the grandfather, the dying cancer victim, and the Tok'ra.

Neither Sam nor Jack had any supper so he made grilled cheese sandwiches while she made a pot of tea.

The album were in a rather haphazard heap and the first one they looked at was the most recent with some loose photos. Here were photos of the Tok'ra Selmak but only a few would ever know.

"I know Selmak changed my father but do you think my dad changed Selmak?"

"Of course he did. Why do you think the Tok'ra distanced themselves from him as well as us? He threatened to make the arrogant bastards a little more human. Jacob was a good man."

"You changed Kanan."

O'Neill bristled. He got up and began to pace.

"Yeah and look where it got me."

Calmly, gently she said "Without him you would have died."

"And with him… more times than I can count. When he abandoned me I prayed some Jaffa had stepped on the snake and squeezed the life out of him, just stomped him into paste.  
Let's not talk about this."

"I'm glad he saved your life. Without you Anubis would have taken over the galaxy and annihilated us."

"Daniel could have done it."

"Maybe… and if so, now we would be swarming with replicators." She stood facing him and giving his hand a gentle squeeze she said "And I said '**I **was glad he saved your life'."

The agitation left him as he finally got the message. He turned on the radio and immediately tuned it to a classical station looking for something soothing. Returning to the couch and the pile of photographs he could see Jacob Carter with his protective arm around Sam looking out at them as they struggled to get a grip on their lives.

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Bob Dylan – Knockin' On Heavens Door


	22. Peace

**Peace**

They spent a good deal of the night looking through albums with Sam recounting stories she hadn't told in years and some she barely realized she had locked in her heart. She had been Daddy's girl, loved and idealized and all Jacob hadn't achieved in his life he had wished for her. And the more Sam recounted Jacob's life to Jack the more she realized how well loved she had been. Of course, at times in one's life this can feel smothering but, in fact, it was meant to be a firm foundation, an incentive and most of all, a liberating force. Sam shed a few tears and laughed and late in the night fell asleep against a warm shoulder. Jack sat there loathe to move lest he wake her. If he were honest he wanted to enjoy this peaceful moment with Sam held close as the soft strains of music in the background filling his soul.

Eventually Jack laid her down on the couch. He put the warm pillow from behind his back under her head and covered her with an afghan. And not wanting to leave her alone, he kicked off his boots, stretched the kinks out of his back and lay down on the guest room bed for a few hours.

Jack woke in the morning to the smell of freshly brewing coffee. He was covered with the blanket that he was sure he had covered Carter with just a few short hours ago. In the sunny kitchen was Sam, looking better than she had for some days.

She smiled at him and offered him a cup of coffee and simple said "Thank you".

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Ralph Vaughan Williams - The Lark Ascending 


	23. Dream On

**Dream On**

The last lines of the song echoed in her mind and in her heart.

"_Dream until your dreams come true_"

It was almost as hokey as Jiminy Cricket singing "_When you wish upon a star_".

Her father's dying wish was that she pursue her heart's desire. When he was ill with leukemia, so many years ago, his thoughts were not for himself, not of his legacy but of her dream. He knew since childhood she dreamt of space, and so studied astrophysics and joined the air force in order to become an astronaut. And in the time before he would succumb to his illness he would do all in his power to make it happen. He just didn't know at the time that she had almost everything she ever wanted and more than she ever thought possible. Foolishly she argued with him thinking he wanted as his last act to control her life. All he wanted was for her to be happy.

These very strange yet wonderful last years had brought them to a greater understanding of one another and here it was, his last desire – her happiness. She wasn't quite sure how to go about attaining it but she knew first she needed to remove the barriers to it. One more line of the song flitted through her mind

"_You got to lose to know how to win"_

God knows, she was getting to be an expert in that. So off she drove to meet Pete for the last time. It was time to stop dreaming and wishing, it was time to see about her future.

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Aerosmith – Dream On

Ned Washington and Leigh Harline - When You Wish Upon a Star


	24. Castles Made of Sand

**Castles Made of Sand**

He turned the key in the ignition and the radio was on. He could have sworn that it wasn't on when he drove up. But there it was, that knowing voice, that voice with a bit of a chuckle in it as if it were saying 'You know this, you fool. You know this, I already told you but I'll tell you again.'

"_And so castles made of sand__  
Fall in the sea,__  
Eventually."_

Pete drove away from the house where he thought he would begin his new life, with his new wife, a puppy and if they were lucky children. He had it all planned out, he could actually see it, and that's why he put the down payment on the house. It was like tipping the balance in their favor. Sam described what she had wanted and he went out to find her dream. He knew she would love it and everything else would fall into place. But the house seemed to throw the balance in the other direction. He could tell from the minute she saw it. She had attempted to smile and be enthusiastic but it didn't ring true. He thought he had gotten it right and it was everything she wanted but he just knew. So when she met him this morning, it hurt. He felt everything crumble from beneath his feet: the wedding, the home, the family, all his dreams, built on sand, sliding away. But as much as it hurt he wasn't surprised, devastated but not surprised. Strangely, she questioned his response. What did she want? And how could he tell her, in his heart he knew and it hurt.

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Jimi Hendrix – Castles Made of Sand


	25. Running in Circles

Running in Circles

It was mid morning and Cassie hadn't rolled out of bed yet. She lay there listening to "Mad World" again and again. The words swirled around in her mind. Her room mate had run off to an early class and Cassie was hiding her head in her nest. Today she found hard to face and tomorrow was none existent. Did anyone here know her; did they all look through her… just a nobody? How could she think about tomorrow when she had no grasp on today? She held the cell phone wanting to call Sam, or better yet, wanting her to call. Afraid to call, afraid to be rejected for something cosmically more important, only to make her feel more insignificant. She had blown off her classes this week feeling as though she needed escape from that insidious hamster wheel but found wallowing in self pity, although comforting at first, like quick sand sucking her into melancholy. Deciding to call Sam, the phone rang in Cassie's hand frightening her so she nearly dropped it.

* * *

Jack strolled down to Sam's lab to drag her off to lunch. He was tired of soggy sandwiches at his desk. The crumbs and mustard stains decorating the assorted reports annoyed Walter but more than that he needed to get off his ass once in a while. So the trip to Carter's lab was an excellent way to stretch his legs plus she was a delightful diversion from those endless piles of paperwork.

As he wandered down the maze of hallways he thought there should be a groove in the floor from the seemingly thousands of trip he took in this direction. Was he running in circles? Here and then back – wasn't it about time for it all to change? Before Jacob died they had a little chat and Jacob asked Jack to look out for his daughter and perhaps take command of the situation. At this point they both laughed.

"There is no taking command of a strong woman but I might suggest an alliance. You know what I mean, Jack."

"I do, Jacob. And I will always be there for her. You have my word."

Jack strolled into the lab and no sooner than he opened his mouth to say hi the phone rang. He turned around to exit when he felt her yank on his shirt tails. The conversation was brief with promises to see to something or someone as soon as possible.

"That was one of the councilors at UNLV. Cassie's have a bit of a rough time…"

"Go get a bag packed and I'll get you on a flight from Peterson this afternoon. Do you mind if I go with?"

"I'd appreciate that sir."

"Tell me about it on the way, just get ready and I'll pick you up…I guess I'll call as soon as I know when."

Lunch forgotten, Colonel Reynolds assigned to assume control of the base, flight plans made and before 1:30 O'Neill and Carter sat in a most uncomfortable transport on their way to Nellis. Although the trip was noisy they managed to have a conversation about Cassie and what she needed – a stable environment with a loving parental figure. Sam had already been thinking about R and D at the infamous Area 51. It had many advantages: first of all it would be close to Cassie; it would give Sam a change of pace and a little space from the site of recent painful experiences and best of all she would be out of Jack's command and the possibilities that offered.

There was a bad side to each advantage: maybe Cassie would feel babied or smothered, Sam really loved the amazing adventure the Stargate offered and she would sorely miss everyone she worked with, the man sitting next to her the most and maybe, once out of sight, he would forget her.

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Gary Jules – "Mad World"


	26. Our House

**Our House**

Arriving at Nellis O'Neill requisitioned a vehicle and they were off to see Cassie. A very late lunch or early supper was first on the agenda. It was hard to have a conversation over O'Neill's rumbling stomach.

At lunch they tossed around the possibility of Sam's transfer to the Vegas area and Cassie seemed positive about the idea. However her affect was anything but enthusiastic. This somber young woman was so unlike the exuberant person they knew. Life had been harsh and its cruelty glared through Cassie's somber eyes.

Driving back from the restaurant on a whim Jack pulled into the parking lot of a real estate agent.

Much to Cassie and Sam surprise Jack told the agent at the first desk "These ladies and I would like to see some houses located between the university and Nellis."

The agent pulled a few choices from her multi-listings book and they narrowed down those choices to three. They spent the early evening looking at houses. The second one they looked at was perfect; it was a rental with an option to buy.

"Oh the poor man had the house built then was transferred back east right before moving in. He thinks there might be a chance he might be transferred back so he's reticent to let it go."

It was a lovely house. In the center a large kitchen and dinning area were adjacent to a spacious great room. The right wing consisted of a master suite with a small study, on the left wing were two bedrooms, one a junior suite, the other shared the hall bath. Also on this side of the house was the garage and laundry room. The back yard was small, completely fenced, a shaded patio, a modest pool and native plantings.

As they strolled through the master suite the agent pointed out the oversized shower with numerous shower jets. Sam could see a smirk slide over Jack face and just as quickly disappear. Her cheeks reddened as he innocently smiled at her.

Eying Cassie, emerging from the other side of the house, Jack cocked his head and gave her a quizzical look. She smiled and he winked at her.

"You don't have to do this for me."

"Don't have to - we want to. And there may be some collateral advantages."

Cassie observed Jack glancing tentatively at Sam who was talking to or rather listening to the real estate agent.

"You don't have to live here if you don't want to but it could be a home base for you while Carter works here."

"She's changing careers - showgirl, croupier?"

Jack smiled while he let him imagination run away. "No, I guess not. Just the same old, same old."

"I think I'd like it. You'd come visit?"

"If she'll let me."

They both realized that Sam was behind them. Turning they saw a pensive look come over her face.

"Well" Jack said.

"We'll have to see about that." She said with a smirk

Cassie snickered. Then the feelings absent so long almost overwhelmed her; she felt happy and safe and she threw herself in Sam and Jack's arms.

They strolled outside. The house was on the far side of Las Vegas, so although there would be some light pollution Jack looked for a good spot for his telescope.

Jack asked the agent if she could have the rental agreement ready the next day then asked Sam and Cassis to drop him off at the base. He needed to check in with Reynolds and had some business to attend to in the morning. He'd give them a call to be picked up the next day about eleven. He thought, too, that they should take a second look at the house to see if it still pleased them and, if so, they'd go sign some papers at the agent's office.

As they drove off they heard Crosby, Sills, Nash and Young sing

'_Our house is a very, very fine house  
With two cats in the yard  
Life use to be so hard  
Now everything is easy cause of you._'

"I'm more of a dog person myself." Jack muttered fully aware he would be outnumbered on many decisions and strangely enough he didn't seem to care a whole hell of a lot.

He bid them good night, giving Cassie a hug and whispering to her that not everything would be easy cause they wished it so. But that they all loved one another and were willing to do what was necessary to make all of their lives, all of their lives better. He told her too that a line from, well, he couldn't remember from where, kept bobbing up in his mind "All lose, whole find."

It was kind of how he was feeling. Everything seemed lost just a few short weeks ago. And now fate had put everything back together again and he not only felt hopeful but happy.

He knew they would spend a good deal of the night discussing the changes proposed in their lives. His job now was to effect those changes.

That evening General O'Neill met with the commandant of the base discussing the transfer of Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter to the Research and Development department of Area 51 located at the Nellis Air Force Base from her pervious position at Stargate Command. The next morning he spent on the phone with General Hammond for permission for said transfer. The whole thing left him in a bit of a turmoil, a bittersweet sensation hoping this latest upheaval would not cause him to loose them both.

* * *

As they drove away Sam asked "What was that about?" 

"Jack was quoting poetry."

"General O'Neill? Oh no, not some off color limerick?"

"No, it was one we read this year. Actually it might help explain his views on scientists. I kinda remember a few lines.

' _beware of heartless them  
(given the scalpel, they dissect a kiss;  
or, sold the reason, they undream a dream)_'."

"You're telling me he's a romantic?" Sam said with a big smile on her face.

"I thought you knew."

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Steven Sills - "Our House"

e.e. cummings - one's not half two.


	27. All Lose, Whole Find

**All Lose, Whole Find**

A few weeks later the news of Catherine Langford's death reached the SGC. Sam was visiting Cassie and furnishing their new home in Vegas. Teal'c was knee deep in the political machination on Dakara and Jack was unable to take time from his duties at the SGC. And so Daniel, and rightly so, represented them all at the funeral.

When he finally got back to Colorado Catherine's treasures were being delivered. And within the crates lay the key to his future – a ZPM. SG-1 would be no more. They had defied the odds, they had survived and now they would be scattering like dust in the wind: Jack at the SGC, Sam to Area 51, Daniel to the Pegasus Galaxy, and Teal'c to Dakara.

* * *

Jack just couldn't let them go. He thought of that line from the poem again "All lose, whole find". He hoped it didn't reverse itself in the perverse way the universe usually treated him. He saw how anxious Daniel was for his new adventure of discovery in Atlantis, Teal's for his assuming the mantle of authority on Dakara and Carter for a time to delve deeply into science while actually having a home life. But he saw his future in bleaker terms. His best friends and brothers in arms going their separate ways, to new adventures and he got to sit under the mountain and push papers. He hoped they would all keep in touch but that was a long shot. Perhaps there was room in Carter's life for him but he would not force the issue. As always her desires and happiness came first, always had, always will. 

Jack just couldn't let them go. This was eight years of his life, eight of the best and worst, most exciting and most terrifying and shared with these people that changed him in more ways than he could express. This last year Jack had spent withdrawing from them, since he was no longer their team leader but responsible for all the men and women of the SGC and withdrawing from Sam since her engagement. But none of that mattered now. They were all about to part company and best of all Sam had parted company with Shanahan. All of their relationships would definitely change, maybe everything would fall apart and maybe, just maybe, there would be change for the better. They planned a trip to Jack's cabin, a time to say goodbye and a time to solidify the bonds that would always unite them.

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e.e. cummings - one's not half two.


	28. Fishing

**Fishing**

She forgot to ask him if the cabin had plumbing. Sure they had camped off world endless times but this was supposed to be a vacation of sorts. But, as she thought about it, bathing in the pond might lead to some interesting situations, at least while it was just the two of them. Or maybe it just might be awkward. No, she was just being silly, it was just the team getting together before they flew off in different directions. There were to be no expectations. Oh well she was mostly packed except for the perishables, the general (or was it Jack now) was on his way over to pick her up, and she thought she would make use of her shower before the long trip, just in case.

She turned the radio on in the bathroom and she stood still and listened. She heard Bonnie Raitt singing and she felt the chill and her eyes filled with tears

"_You can't make your heart feel something it won't….  
I can't make you love me, if you don't"_

Sam stepped into the streaming water reminded of what her mother said once: men hated crying, it was best done in the shower. What if he didn't love her any more? She had felt so hopeful after the trip to Las Vegas but she hadn't seen much of him since. He was swamped with running the base and Daniel and Teal'c leaving. Should she have any expectations? That was certainly why she never went to the cabin before, she was sure they would wind up in bed. And what about this trip? Before they were separated and engulfed with their new duties she had to know.

Yes, she decided she did have expectations and the song that greeted her as she stepped out of the shower expressed it. This is just what she wanted.

"_I wanna know what love is  
I want you to show me  
I wanna feel what love is  
I know you can show me_"

This is what she wanted - to give and to receive. Her next thought was 'I hope Jack isn't here listening to this'. It just seemed too sappy.

* * *

O'Neill pulled up to Sam's house and on her front porch he spied her duffle bag and boxes containing all kinds of drinks from bags of coffee beans to bottles of soda and wine. He loaded these into the truck and then knocked on the door while opening it, announcing his presence. Rather loud music was turned down and a shout from the back told him she would be ready in a minute. Seeing the cooler on the countertop he went about empting her fridge into it. 

Sam came into the kitchen to see him bent over, head in the fridge and the thought that this looked so right, so natural. He straightened when he hear her.

"Everything in here fair game?"

"Sure, especially if it won't last a week. Don't want to come home to any science experiments."

"I thought you thrived on that."

"Yeah but not in my fridge."

"Your hair is still wet – we have time. I'll finish up in here."

"No, I'm good to go."

"Yes you are."

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Bonnie Raitt – I Can't Make You Love Me

Foreigner – I Want To Know What Love Is


	29. Land of My Heart

**Land of my heart**

The ride to the cabin was long and by early afternoon the chit chat of the morning was depleted. There were things that needed to be said. Neither knew how to give voice these potentially damaging or potentially healing thoughts that swirled around in their minds. Jack needed to know. He wondered if he shouldn't have spoken before they started out. But here in the cab of the Ford, staring out at the highway, he felt safer to bring up the problem they were so very good at avoiding. After a long silence he asked.

"Have we waited too long?"

She wanted to brush it off with an 'Oh I though we got off early enough this morning' but by the timber of his voice she knew this was serious territory.

"I don't know. We... kind of like... had the seven year itch – we've scratched…"

"Never got to scratch what I wanted too." He smiled at her.

"…and we've found each other again. Don't you still want to try?" She tried not to sound desperate.

"Do I want to…hell yeah… but can I? Should I? And I'm not just talking about permission here or regulations and reputations. Maybe we have waited too long or maybe I've always been too old for you. If I were younger but I'm on the downward slope and you're in your prime. Why should you be saddled with an old man?"

"Why shouldn't I have what I want, what I need?" Her anger flaring up. "Should I be stuck with someone I don't love or wind up alone and bitter because you're so damn noble?" Her anger turned to anguish.

"You love me?"

"How could you doubt it?"

The minute the words were out of her mouth she saw the flash of pain across his face.

"I'm so sorr…"

He reached over and sought out her hand.

"Don't! You have nothing to apologize for. If I had stepped up sooner all of this could have been avoided but I…I couldn't. I wondered if I didn't love you enough and loved the job too damned much. Devotion to duty… cowardice… stupidity… take your pick, I just don't know.  
I know I was afraid of what you would see if we got together, someone who's shallow and selfish and too domineering. It was easier to be admired from arms length than despised up close."

"You really are an idiot. Do you think it was all just a daddy complex or an adolescent crush?"

"Do we really know one another?"

"Eight years of working…"

"It's not the same…"

"Close enough, I think.  
But I'm willing to do more research… some very serious research."

"All right, as long as it doesn't involve dissection."

"I'm making no guarantees."

"You know, you scare me sometimes, Carter."

She smirked and held on to his hand.

* * *

Jack inserted a disc in the CD player and cranked up the volume. For some reason he could not fathom, given his other musical preferences, he love the first few seconds of this group as they prepared to hurl themselves into the piece. This was the music of warriors; the band was raw and unpolished but what they lacked in finesse, they made up for in their fierceness. 

Sam woke up with a start, wide eyed and adrenaline pumping.

Jack looked over innocently.

"What the hell was that? I thought you ran over a cat"

"Hey, that's my heritage you're insulting."

"I thought O'Neill was Irish."

"They play pipes too, and there's a whole branch of Campbell's on mom's side. Anyway I was just trying to keep alert with all the snoring."

"I don't snore. Why don't you stop of you're tired?"

"Have you looked out the window lately?"

There was nothing for miles.

"I could drive."

"There's a place about 15 minutes from here. We could stop for a bite and the night if you want."

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Scotland the Brave – Traditional Melody


	30. Always on My Mind

**Always On My Mind**

Only three other couples were in the dining room of the inn and two of them were dancing. They ordered and while they waited Sam asked Jack how had he found this place.

"Hey, it's cheap, it's clean and the food is good. What more could you ask? And besides, there is nothing else."

Sam laughed. This place rated A-1 on the quaint and rustic meter. Again she wondered how rustic the cabin would be.

Listening to the country ballads Sam watched the couples sway to the music. It seemed like the thing to do, a la when in Rome or was it Podunk. It was the middle of the song and Jack thought 'what could it hurt'; they were no longer in the same chain of command and they were on their way to do some 'serious research'. They were both laughing as he held her gently, somehow enjoying the tinny jukebox rendition of "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille". The song ended and before they could make their way to their table another song started. It was Willie Nelson's gentle voice saying what so badly needed so to be said: the recognition of and apologies for missed opportunities and perhaps, just speaking the simple truth.

"_Maybe I didn't treat you  
Quite as good as I should have"_

Jack stopped and faced Sam. His bit his lip wondering what he should say or do. Jack O'Neill was rarely indecisive.

"_Maybe I didn't love you  
Quite as often as I could have"_

He took her in his arms to dance yet again.

"_Maybe I didn't hold you  
All those lonely, lonely times"_

Sam slid her arms around his neck and he, his arms around her waist, as they sway slowly to the music.

"_Little things I should have said and done  
I just never took the time  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind"_

The song seemed to be the confession that they both found so hard to put into words.

"_If I made you feel second best  
Girl I'm so sorry I was blind  
You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind"_

"I'm so sorry" she said but he shushed her before all the words were out of her mouth. She felt his jaw line hard against her cheek, muscles knotted holding in the words he found so hard to express.

"_Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn't died  
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied, satisfied"_

"Me too but let's let the past go." He said.

"_You were always on my mind  
You were always on my mind"_

She felt his lips softly brush her ear as he trailed kisses on down her neck and she held him as if her life depended on it.

* * *

The knock on her door came early in the morning. 

"Ready for a little breakfast?"

So they entered the restaurant again, this time alone.

"What no dancing?" she asked.

"Maybe tonight." He answered smiling.

* * *

Driving off into the early morning light Willie Nelson again set the tone. 

"_Blue skies,  
nothing but blue skies from now on"_

* * *

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Kenny Rodgers – Lucille

Johnny Christopher, Mark James and Wayne Carson Thompson – Always on my Mind

Irving Berlin – Blue Skies


	31. Blue Skies

**Blue Skies**

She lay there and felt a smug smile of satisfaction creep across her face. It was chilly in the room but the heat from the man sleeping behind her warmed both her body and her soul. Sensing her wakefulness he stirred and the hand lying on her hip slid around to splay across waist and belly drawing her closer to him while gently, oh so gently, he kissed the back of her neck. She relaxed utterly, enjoying the sensation.  
This love she had ignored, this love, which had been so foolishly denied and rejected, was a force stronger than either of them. And now she couldn't think about it, she could do nothing but try to absorb every sensation that was overwhelming her. He loved her. Not just cared, not just respected, not just desired, not just wanted or needed. It was all that and so very much more. And she, she had no words for how she felt either; she didn't think they existed in any language.

He was such a contradiction of terms, those callused hands and brash mouth so incredibly gentle, so considerate, so patient, so passionate.

"I thought you were taking me fishing."

"I thought you said we needed to do some important research. We can fish tomorrow…or maybe the next day."

And they renewed their exploration of one another.

* * *

A few days later Daniel and Teal'c rolled in on a beautiful sunny day. The drive up was a joy, beautiful weather, and impressive landscape that ranged from mountains to prairie and on to the lake filled northern woodlands. Daniel was thrilled at the prospect of a whole new part of his life about to enfold and his friends off to new phases of their own. Peace at last; all old foes defeated and the threat of annihilation no longer lurking behind the iris of the Stargate. The Stargate was again the doorway to exploration not death. The sun's glare and the song's words seemed simultaneous. 

"_Never saw the sun shinin' so bright  
Never saw things goin' so right_"

Smiling as he put on his sunglasses he had confidence in the future, at long last.

They found the cabin well stocked and their friends out on the dock fishing, comfortable in each others presence. Gone was the awkwardness of emotions denied. Daniel thought that they could have easily passed for a couple that had been married for half their lives and it made him smile. Maybe there was hope for them all.

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Irving Berlin – Blue Skies


	32. Flying

**Flying**

_A few years later_

Cassie had sent the favorite present that year. It was something she especially liked as well. It reflected the peace and also the sense of adventure that now filled her heart.

Jack O'Neill popped the DVD in the player and sat down again on the sofa, picking up the three year old girl and placing her in his lap. The only light on in the room, beside the TV, was from the Christmas tree and it's twinkling lights sparkled in the child's bright eyes. Sam, coming in from the kitchen, sat beside them. And as the music started, the little one tensed. With the words

"_We're walking in the air  
We're floating in the moonlit sky  
The people far below are sleeping as we fly_

_I'm holding very tight  
I'm riding in the midnight blue  
I'm finding I can fly so high above with you"_

she wrapped her daddy's arms around her, held tight to his hands and was ready to fly.

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Howard Blake - The Snowman - We're Walking in the Air

The End

* * *

A/N: I want to sincerely thank everyone who has read and/or reviewed.  
This started out as a simple story about background music and became a tale of parents and their children, those of their body and those of their heart. 


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